Wednesday, December 16, 2009
It is only 9 days away from Christmas and I find myself truly enjoying the moments the season has already given me- with the belief that so many more special moments are yet to come. I feel joy- deep down, rolling, invigorating, along with moments of sadness and tears. I miss my doggie, I miss my dear father-in-law who passed away two Christmases ago- and today I cried with a dear friend who shared with me her grief over the loss of her two children several years ago, the pain continuing to surface greatly, especially at the holidays. We spoke about this idea that joy and sorrow are two sides of the same "coin". Can it truly be?..... not in making sense of the tragic, dark circumstances that meet us on this journey, but by feeling and experiencing the deepest sorrows will we indeed understand great joy? For years I held on to the scripture in Psalm 30:5 "Weeping endures for a night, but Joy comes in the morning." But somehow, no matter how I tried, the rock of sorrow stayed placed firmly on my heart. I caught glimpses of Joy but it was always replaced too quickly by the pain. My faith wavered and seemed lost.
This past year has been remarkable in its very intensity and after observing one of my own children and her suffering I felt a new level of brokenness. Then came the loss of my Sadie, so suddenly and unexpectedly, and the heart I thought had been broken before became less than dust. Dust that suddenly the wind caught and blew away- or so I perceived. What I hadn't realized is that dust was collected by God-not a piece was lost. And like other times in my life something had changed within me and I found a beautiful bubbling within- one that was encouraged by the faces of the children I take photos of with Santa at a local outdoor mall. Each decoration I discovered in my multitude of bins brought wonder. Seeing my daughter's face with tears of joy as she greeted us in the airport after spending 3&1/2 months in Rome blessed me. I feel lighter- like something was lifted- and I can't even begin to understand how or why.......... each moment seems more precious and I want to keep an open heart.
I have posted a few photos of my decorations........ it is well known here at our home that I am a bit addicted to Christmas decorations, each year swearing I won't purchase more only to find yet another thing I love! This year it was two hanging silver stars for my double window in the family room- and I love the way it looks. It is my hope that when my children are grown they will be able to say "our mother kept Christmas well" May true Joy visit you and your family this special time of year.
Like most women I play a variety of roles, all of which I love. Mom of six great kids, lover of food magazines and baking, gardener, photographer, and in recent years, especially, writer. Writing is enabling me to find my truest self, and inspire others to do the same. I am also a deeply spiritual person who sees God through the lens of Christianity, though I am open to learning from many different faith backgrounds.